*OFF TOPIC TIME* I Have A Problem

-I Have A Problem-


...And no it's not a deficiency of Cowbell, if anyone gets that joke reference. It's actually alcohol. Yup I am an alcoholic. Now I just gave it up going on two days ago now. I've given it up before but it crept back up on me. But at that time, I didn't admit I had a problem. I believe now, since I admit that I have a problem, it will be a lot easier for me to not relapse. Granted yeah, I'll have a drink from time to time, but that will be more like once or twice a month, that's it, and I'm even debating whether I should do it that much.

When I went on vacation with my mom and sister, I think my addiction peaked. Because they were inconsiderate of my fear of heights, and my sister's lack of mental soundness due to her own addiction to her cheating husband, they got a hotel on the top floor of the hotel. They didn't think to reserve a lower floor before we even left town. So here I am, a big ass bottle of liquor and a bottle of cranberry juice. Every time I had to go downstairs, I would drink. Well it seemed like a good plan, until I got into the hot tub. Because of the heat and the sweating, the effects of the alcohol amplified. I mean I was seeing double of everything, my head was pounding, and I couldn't walk in a straight line for jack. It was scary. I made it back up to my hotel surprisingly. But when I got there, I got hungry. I was alone in the hotel. I started hallucinating, seeing things. I looked in the mirror and I seen a person that was not me. I didn't recognize this man, and it scared the shit out of me. Then I went into the other room of our suite in the pitch dark, just trippin' balls.

So I went to get some food, where I grabbed a glass container that contained mashed potatoes. I couldn't hold on to it, so I dropped it. Glass everywhere. I tried to eat the glass! That's when I knew that I hit rock bottom.

I called my girl and wanted to stay on the phone with her forever. I felt like if I got off the phone, I would die. I think she saved my life. I then had the worst night I have ever had. I threw up so much stuff, it was scary. I threw up brown stuff and red stuff. And it hurt like hell when I threw up, I even almost choked on my own vomit at one point. I told myself that I couldn't live like this anymore.

-How The Hell Did This All Happen?!-


I think for starters, in recent times, I think all of life's pressures just got to me. I didn't want to conform to society's norm. Society wants me to find a job, get married in my 20's and live this miserable mediocre life. My girl doesn't understand it, she just wants to be married, society has brainwashed her so bad, I pretty much give up explaining why I just couldn't get married yet. She's surrounded by it, her friends, relatives, everything, her environment just breeds this whole culture of family's living in shitty means but married young and living the sad blue collar life.

I lived a different life and the culture surrounding me coming up was a lot different. I was brought up around class. But due to my dad's death, living the classy life was gone. I haven't lived the classy life in a while, but I still have the desire to live that. If I got married young, my dreams to pursue that lifestyle will be crushed. And I think I'd divorce, or worse, fall deeper in my addiction.

I was not satisfied with my life for a while. I questioned every day, whether this path I have taken is the right one. It sucks when you want one thing, but no one else wants it. Is this the reason why entrepreneurs are single for so long before they reach success? No one to get in the way of their dreams?

Relationships are a lot of work, I do everything in my power to make my relationship work, but I always get that it's never enough. So I drink to numb it, because I would of just ran away otherwise. I got tired of the times when saying "I love you" just ain't enough. "I miss you" ain't enough. Or for a long while, we didn't agree on the ideas of marriage, or the fact that my girl just has to marry before she's old. Just wanted to say "fuck it all" and leave.

Now on to the family. For a long while, as much as I love my family, I just kept saying that one day, I'll leave and say "I have no family". Because of my sister's husband, shit has been upside down for us. I became a raging alcoholic, my mom became, and still is, addicted to the lottery. My sister is addicted to him. My brother...well he was probably the only sane one through this whole thing. Which is ironic because he is by the far the strangest, most introverted and easy-to-stress person I know.

My mom shouldn't have let them move back in. I saw it coming the first day and she just yelled at me and accused me of just being mad and complaining. Ha, I have the last laugh. He's been doing grimy shit since day one. My mom never thinks. It seems she never wants to think, she's not educated and has never tried hard enough to get educated. I have to help her spell things all the time. She can't really read well, but she think she knows everything. And sometimes I still think she's smarter than me, at life. Being that she's been around longer than me and has experienced a LOT more things than I have.

My sister's husband was splitting the family up. It was like he was bad luck. I truly believe he was bad luck only because my mom let him in. If she didn't let him in, our lives would have been better. He's an alright guy, he even said bye to me on his way out last night when he got kicked out. But I think he needs to grow up and stop bringing negativity and misfortune to others.

MY FAMILY WAS SO FUCKING CLOSE, PEOPLE DON'T GET HOW CLOSE WE ARE. WE HAVE BEEN HOMELESS TOGETHER AT ONE POINT. WE COPED WITH DEATH AT ONE POINT. I STILL LOVE MY FAMILY A TON AND FUCK ANYONE TRYING TO SPLIT US UP AND FUCK ANYONE WHO DOESN'T LIKE THE FACT THAT WE ARE CLOSE.


Now, my addiction is all me. My fault, my girl didn't force me to drink, my mom didn't force me to drink, no one did, I forced myself to drink. These things I said, is not placing blame on them for my drinking, just symptoms to my sickness. I drank to cope with the situations, I drank to numb the pain of just not being good enough for anybody. I was so used to not having anybody pressure me, or anybody stress me out. Hell, I was alone for 5, almost 6 years. No one to answer to, no one telling me what I should do, what they want, it was about me. It hasn't been about me for a long time. I feel cheated out of life right now. Why does no one care about my goals? My life? Alcohol was there, Alcohol seemed like it cared. But Alcohol betrayed me. 


But now I want my life back...scratch that, I'm ready to start my new life. No more drinking to cope with the pain, the depression, the stress. If someone stresses me out, well I will have to part ways with them. Leave for a while. If a situation stresses me out, I will just think more, analyse why I feel that way about the situation. 


I ain't perfect. Yeah I've done questionable things for lack of judgement, but I still have to hear about the error of my ways in some form or another. I tried to escape those things, but now I no longer will run away from any problems. Hell, the people that give me problems never run away from me, they run at me, so I will run at them. I have to care about myself again, I can no longer try to care about anyone else, when I'm getting the shit end of the stick. Me admitting I have a problem and kicking the addiction is me caring about me again. 


My business is me caring about me again. Well...nevermind. I started my business so I could help others, really. Yeah I like to make a lot of money, but making a ton of money isn't fun if you can't use it to help others out as well. I cannot achieve that being an alcoholic. 


I think after giving up the alcohol, I will become a more fun person again. I used to have a lot of fun, I don't anymore. I used to be around fun people, when's the last time I had a night that I could never forget? That was years ago. I mean atleast 6-7 years ago. The past few years, I have been trying to have fun under the sluggish haze of alcohol. I have tried to force fun, but it didn't work. 


I'm getting back in good shape again, I'm looking better each day now, but now I know after giving up the alcohol, I'm going to be looking even better quicker! I want my girl to get in shape with me too, I want us both looking good! We can't get married in the current shape we're in, we'll blow up and both me fat as shit, and unattractive. 


I'm ready for my new life, I already have the people I love around me, I'm not looking to make new friends, I'm not looking to drop anybody from my life to "start anew", because that's bullshit. I'm just ready to start Life 2.0 and upgrade my lifestyle and environment without sacrificing anyone I love. 


That is all.