Being Forced to Start Over Act I.
They say there's a silver lining in the clouds; I no longer believe in that. It seems everything I've tried has seemed to crumble and fall flat on its face. It comes to a point where just thinking "positive" or "looking at the bright side of things" seems like bullshit.
Something happened recently with a partnership I had. I can't go into specifics because I'm still conducting my own little investigation, but it seems like a big deal that was supposed to happen, didn't really happen. This is thousands of dollars we're talking about here. Products that I personally had a hand in developing and designing. When I first learned of the 'truth', it didn't really bother as much. I tried to just sit back and laugh at it a bit and come to my senses. But after a day, it really bothers me. It makes me disappointed and very discouraged. Being lied to over a business deal is a lot like being lied to in a relationship, it hurts and it makes you step back and look at all parties involved with a very pessimistic eye. A critically pessimistic eye.
When someone goes out of their way to lie, with pictures and everything, it makes you wonder where their head is really at. Why lie? Y'know, you can't really live out the lie, the lie sounds good, rolls off the tongue in a very pleasurable way, but you can't feel the lie. You can't cash the lie in at the bank. You can't live off the lie like an investment or retirement account. After the lie is said, you're back into real life, living the reality. Everyone knows reality isn't as fun as the lie. But we live in the reality, not made up fantasies.
This lie has affected our business, ultimately our lives. For what? props? A pat on the back along with a Fireball shot? That's nice, but I can't push things forward with a shot of alcohol and verbal masturbation.
I was supposed to leave the country on what I thought was business. In reality, it's the opposite. All pleasure, but all under the guise of business? How does that even work? I'm going to network to build more profitable relationships, but of course co-owner had planned all this time to party with some chick. Chicks are cool, but chicks don't secure a future of freedom and wealth. It's just pussy, man.
I feel ashamed for falling for the smoke and mirrors, and I feel even more ashamed for telling friends and family and potential clients and partners of the success we made, the money we made. That stuff never happened, never existed. All talk.
You're So Smart
It feels good for people to tell me how smart I am. The people I confided in and poured my heart out to during this ordeal told me the exact words. "But you're so smart, you'll be okay, you'll find a way". As good as it feels to be regarded as such, it doesn't help me at all. I get tired of hearing that. If I was so smart, why do I keep getting into these shady deals? Get involved with these shady people?
I don't feel very smart. I can teach myself how to program. I can teach myself how to build extraordinary things, but I ain't smart. I'm just not lazy is all. I get kinda tired of hearing how "smart" I am, because I don't feel smart at all. I'm so smart but I keep getting fucked over. Yeah, I'm smart. I'm a god damned genius.
I'm starting a new project and I will do it all by myself. I'd be lying if I say I'm approaching with the same mindset as I had before. I'm not. I'm approaching with a very critical and somewhat negative and cynic mindset, which I know is not really good, but maybe it's time to be this way. It seems to be the only way.
I still feel lost, still feel desolate, but I know deep down, I have to push forward and move on...We'll see how this shit goes.
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They say there's a silver lining in the clouds; I no longer believe in that. It seems everything I've tried has seemed to crumble and fall flat on its face. It comes to a point where just thinking "positive" or "looking at the bright side of things" seems like bullshit.
Something happened recently with a partnership I had. I can't go into specifics because I'm still conducting my own little investigation, but it seems like a big deal that was supposed to happen, didn't really happen. This is thousands of dollars we're talking about here. Products that I personally had a hand in developing and designing. When I first learned of the 'truth', it didn't really bother as much. I tried to just sit back and laugh at it a bit and come to my senses. But after a day, it really bothers me. It makes me disappointed and very discouraged. Being lied to over a business deal is a lot like being lied to in a relationship, it hurts and it makes you step back and look at all parties involved with a very pessimistic eye. A critically pessimistic eye.
When someone goes out of their way to lie, with pictures and everything, it makes you wonder where their head is really at. Why lie? Y'know, you can't really live out the lie, the lie sounds good, rolls off the tongue in a very pleasurable way, but you can't feel the lie. You can't cash the lie in at the bank. You can't live off the lie like an investment or retirement account. After the lie is said, you're back into real life, living the reality. Everyone knows reality isn't as fun as the lie. But we live in the reality, not made up fantasies.
This lie has affected our business, ultimately our lives. For what? props? A pat on the back along with a Fireball shot? That's nice, but I can't push things forward with a shot of alcohol and verbal masturbation.
I was supposed to leave the country on what I thought was business. In reality, it's the opposite. All pleasure, but all under the guise of business? How does that even work? I'm going to network to build more profitable relationships, but of course co-owner had planned all this time to party with some chick. Chicks are cool, but chicks don't secure a future of freedom and wealth. It's just pussy, man.
I feel ashamed for falling for the smoke and mirrors, and I feel even more ashamed for telling friends and family and potential clients and partners of the success we made, the money we made. That stuff never happened, never existed. All talk.
You're So Smart
It feels good for people to tell me how smart I am. The people I confided in and poured my heart out to during this ordeal told me the exact words. "But you're so smart, you'll be okay, you'll find a way". As good as it feels to be regarded as such, it doesn't help me at all. I get tired of hearing that. If I was so smart, why do I keep getting into these shady deals? Get involved with these shady people?
I don't feel very smart. I can teach myself how to program. I can teach myself how to build extraordinary things, but I ain't smart. I'm just not lazy is all. I get kinda tired of hearing how "smart" I am, because I don't feel smart at all. I'm so smart but I keep getting fucked over. Yeah, I'm smart. I'm a god damned genius.
I'm starting a new project and I will do it all by myself. I'd be lying if I say I'm approaching with the same mindset as I had before. I'm not. I'm approaching with a very critical and somewhat negative and cynic mindset, which I know is not really good, but maybe it's time to be this way. It seems to be the only way.
I still feel lost, still feel desolate, but I know deep down, I have to push forward and move on...We'll see how this shit goes.
