I don't even know how to start this. So I'll just let my fingers do all of the typing while my brain still tries to gather the thoughts and while my emotions try their best to keep their composure...
This isn't really business related, but this does involve my character, which in a way is very relevant to business, because to be successful in business, one must possess at least half of a good character.
Firstly, My Mom
I love my mom. ALOT. I mean she raised me, taught me, made me the person I am today. I remember being a kid and she used to almost beat my ass whenever I didn't speak proper English. She always taught me to speak well and to have manners. Class. Because my dad was at a pretty good rank in the military, my family were able to afford a pretty decent lifestyle. Almost upper Middle Class, by 90's standards. I was a spoiled little somethin' but I rarely bitched and whined over things. Okay I bitched and whined over things, not like all of the other spoiled kids I grew up around.
My Mom grew up super pour. Had to drop out of school to pick cotton with the rest of her family, because that's what payed the bills. Because of that, she wasn't able to get a full education, which in fact, affects her to this day. They lived in a sort of cabin home that had little electricity. I've been in that house she grew up back in when I was a kid, and I remember that house feeling just like a black version of little house on the prairie type of place. Old School stuff. So my mom came up in a very tiny country town, a town where the Klan would sell them candy with a smile on their face during the day, and they'd ride their horses and burn crosses in the Black folks' yards at night.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, my mom grew up very poor and has made some strides in life. She's lived in Virginia, Georgia, California and Florida. All back in the 70's. She's done some pretty cool shit in life. Cooler shit than I have done really.
So with that said, I ask myself "Why was a such an asshole at times to my mom?" Granted, there are the arguments and the disagreements, but that's with all families, but still I feel guilty as hell about the times I just blew up on her and said nasty things to her. I can say sorry, but I can never truly bring those things back.
I think back on that day we had a BAD argument about 3 weeks ago, when she overheard me say that I wanted to crush her face in, I almost want to cry. My eyes get hot and watery because I hurt her feelings, so bad. I hurt her feelings so bad that after we walked my dog and argued, she no longer wanted to go the gas station and cash her lottery ticket in. Thinking back now, it shocked me. I didn't know I could hurt her feelings that way. After all she went through, and all she's done for me, I do this. It's unforgivable really. I truly think that when we got back home, and she said "I'm going to go outside and water the grass", I think she cried. And that hurts me so much. It slices through my emotional stability like a knife. I really wanted to kill myself for being such an asshole. I hate myself, even right now, and it fucks with me every time I think about it. I love my mom, I'd do anything for her, even if I had to sacrifice my life for hers, I would. I wish I wasn't such an asshole to her at times, and I wished that all those we've had arguments, I wished that I could just say nothing and just let her have her own opinion, even if they were wrong. Only thing I can do and just live each day like it never happened, be nice to her, talk to her when she needs someone to talk to, and help her with things that she needs help with. I'm trying my best right now, it feels good, but my mind still dwells on that day I hurt her feelings really bad. She loves me, she loves my girl, and I know she's proud of me with my business, the least I can do is show love back and be a decent son to her. I will never again be an asshole to her. never.
Secondly, My girl, ALJ
I don't want to say her name, because this blog is still partially private. I don't mind readers, but I don't want past business partners and clients looking this up and judging me on this...yet.
Anyway, ALJ. I love her, a ton. Just like my mom, I'd sacrifice my life for her as well, if it meant saving hers. She's my better half. Or my better whole, since sometimes I feel like I'm not even half a decent human being.
I've been an asshole to her too, a number of times. And that guilt haunts me to this day too. I've done stupid shit to her, and I've said stupid shit to her too, and I regret all of those things. I have to sleep at night with that regret in my mind, every night. I love that girl, and she loves me, but a lot of times I know I can do better to be a better person to her, and for her.
She struggles a lot, and thinking about how rough she's had her life, makes me tear up and cry sometimes, I admit. I mean she's a great person, but damn it why does she have to live a rough life? It's not fair at all. Her family are great people, but yet they're all struggling and not living the life they deserve. Does bad luck really exist? Is it one of those things where, a great grandfather made a pact with the devil for riches and power, but the pact ended up going sour and the punishment was that every other generation has to suffer misfortune? Who knows.
But I do know, looking at her situation almost makes me question if God actually exists. No Christian or Muslim can justify why a good person has to suffer. It doesn't make any God damned sense.
Anyway, she wants to do this damn marriage things. And you know what? I do too. I've always wanted to, but I put it off a bit just so I can line my eggs up just right, so we can make off with a great lifestyle of comfort and wealth. And it doesn't take a million dollars to do it, it just takes a steady income stream. My vision is to be married, working a part time job a bit while making a steady income stream from a business. I know it can happen, I've seen it happen with my own eyes.
*relevant side not* I remember this older guy in a neighborhood right by mine. I believe he was married and had kids. Had a little ass house, but seemed content with it. He HAD A FUCKING LAMBORGHINI IN HIS LITTLE GARAGE. I am quite sure he makes a ton of money, he's just happier in that little ass house.
I want us to be like that. Steady income stream, being married and just chillin'. The millions of dollars will come later, I am cool with that.
So yeah, I want to marry her, I really couldn't imagine being with any other girl. Because I am with her and we're pretty much made for each other. I am improving myself and I want her to improve too. And I know she can, she's not stupid and she's not lazy like these other girls out here in society. She's been losing weight almost steadily and I'm proud as fuck of her for that, she doesn't notice it, but I DO. She doesn't have to skinny, skinny is gross to me, I just want her at a healthy weight. We marry healthy, we stay healthy. I don't want to be one of those married couples that get too comfortable with the marriage that they just get fat and look nasty. That's nasty as fuck.
And I still want the sex to be great while we're married. I don't want to be married and just have regular ass sex just 'cause we're married. I still like oral, giving and receiving, I love me some 69's (that's heaven for me, just thinkin' about it gets me goin') and I still love just spreadin' those thick thighs and goin' down like it's the last meal, though I got lazy on that. Marriage better not destroy that, but hey maybe it won't
Anyway, those two special ladies in my life, I love to death. I've been an asshole to both of them, and I really didn't mean that, I just don't think sometimes, but then again, there was the alcohol thrown in the equation, and since I don't drink anymore, my brain finally feels sharp again, and I definitely have the gift of reasoning back. Thankfully. They were both there with me when I almost killed myself with that poison, so I owe them my life honestly. We're all humans, I know that I ain't perfect in the least, but I know that every day I can be a better person for them, and that I do have control over whether or not I will say or do anything wrong to them. I love them, a lot and the last thing I want to do is hurt them. Their tears are my tears too, and I work my ass off to make sure that all of the bad things we all went through will be a thing of the past, we WILL have a great lifestyle and I will stop at nothing to secure a lifestyle of wealth for ALL of us.
That's all folks (Porky Pig style hehe).
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