Applying Pressure...

Even though I've known this already, I guess I can say that I'm re-learning this lesson.

-You Have To Be An Asshole To Achieve Millions- 


Not being an asshole per se. Not the kick-the-dog for no reason asshole. But a more of a I'll-be-completely-honest-with-you-and-I-don't-care-if-I-make-you-mad-or-hurt-your-feelings kind of asshole. You know the ones that actually say what's on their minds and doesn't lie to avoid confrontation. Even though I've done and said my share of asshole-ish things, I have to admit that much of it was unjustified and was just for the sake of being an asshole. That for which I apologize to those who were affected by it. 


But I mean more so being the one that just really gets the message across of what I really want and if I don't get how I want, then I apologize that we couldn't work out a deal. I think I got caught up in the hype before and just went with whatever I assumed was going to work. I've always been known to run blindly into things when I was younger, but I thought I'd have grown out of it. But I suppose that some habits are just very hard to break.

So I got caught up in the hype and just rolled with whatever these fools wanted to do. My how foolish have I become. But it is okay because I at least noticed this problem before I got too deep into it. But it still pisses me off from time to time which is the reason I talk about this often.

After seeing this rapper sort of go through something similar with music rights and such, but on a higher level, meaning there was big $$$ involved, I know now that I really have to treat this as what it is: a business. I need written NDA's and things of that nature. Contracts, I need to bind you, so if you don't deliver, then lawyers get involved.

I know I'm not the best....yet, but I need to protect the intellectual property I do have and protect the little talents and skills I do possess. You can't own talent and skill...right?

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Don't Try to Use Me and Expect For Me To...

Come back to you.

It's like those girls who use guys for their own selfish needs and expect them to stay and/or come back after the split. Nah, once you're done, you're done, move on, get a new b*tch.

-You Only See What I Want You To See-


That's not being "a boss" or being arrogant about things, but that's just good business. Never give them too much, because giving them too much just gives them the opportunity to take more from you. I used to keep myself open, but why? For someone to just take advantage of me? For someone to just assume I'll always be around? One thing is for sure, I won't always be around. That's just good business and life in general. I didn't get what I wanted out of the deal/relationship so why hang around? I'd rather get with someone who actually will give me what I need and consistently deliver. Not just give me what I need once or twice and try to hook me up, I mean consistently give me what I need. 


I'm always the one giving and not receiving. Scratch that, was the one giving and receiving. I'd like to just be receiving once in a while. I digress though.

These folks that I know longer deal with, they hate the fact that I no longer give them access to my processes and updates on what I'm doing with my company. I am not making the mistake of giving too much info and access away again.

So you only know what I want you to know.

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What have you done for me?

I know I dwell on the past, but I do so because it takes time to get over such past events. After thinking about what alcohol has done to benefit me, I was thinking of the people who I've done business with that tried to get over on me.

-What Have You Done For Me?-


It's a simple question, but those who are guilty of the offense will never give a simple answer. When I have went out of my way for you and your business, when I would stop working on my own business to help yours, what have you done for me? Why was I the one coming out of pocket when it came time for you to help me? Doesn't make sense.


When I would give awesome tips and suggestions, when I would solve your problems, what have you done for me?

It's a cut throat world, and I'm walking around with my head half-attached. I am bemused at the fact that I have to go around slashing throats myself just to get ahead in this business. At least in my city. Once I start to branch out to other cities, I wonder how the competition will be then...Poppa has a brand new dagger.


What, Have You, Done For, Me.

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*OFF TOPIC TIME* I Have A Problem

-I Have A Problem-


...And no it's not a deficiency of Cowbell, if anyone gets that joke reference. It's actually alcohol. Yup I am an alcoholic. Now I just gave it up going on two days ago now. I've given it up before but it crept back up on me. But at that time, I didn't admit I had a problem. I believe now, since I admit that I have a problem, it will be a lot easier for me to not relapse. Granted yeah, I'll have a drink from time to time, but that will be more like once or twice a month, that's it, and I'm even debating whether I should do it that much.

When I went on vacation with my mom and sister, I think my addiction peaked. Because they were inconsiderate of my fear of heights, and my sister's lack of mental soundness due to her own addiction to her cheating husband, they got a hotel on the top floor of the hotel. They didn't think to reserve a lower floor before we even left town. So here I am, a big ass bottle of liquor and a bottle of cranberry juice. Every time I had to go downstairs, I would drink. Well it seemed like a good plan, until I got into the hot tub. Because of the heat and the sweating, the effects of the alcohol amplified. I mean I was seeing double of everything, my head was pounding, and I couldn't walk in a straight line for jack. It was scary. I made it back up to my hotel surprisingly. But when I got there, I got hungry. I was alone in the hotel. I started hallucinating, seeing things. I looked in the mirror and I seen a person that was not me. I didn't recognize this man, and it scared the shit out of me. Then I went into the other room of our suite in the pitch dark, just trippin' balls.

So I went to get some food, where I grabbed a glass container that contained mashed potatoes. I couldn't hold on to it, so I dropped it. Glass everywhere. I tried to eat the glass! That's when I knew that I hit rock bottom.

I called my girl and wanted to stay on the phone with her forever. I felt like if I got off the phone, I would die. I think she saved my life. I then had the worst night I have ever had. I threw up so much stuff, it was scary. I threw up brown stuff and red stuff. And it hurt like hell when I threw up, I even almost choked on my own vomit at one point. I told myself that I couldn't live like this anymore.

-How The Hell Did This All Happen?!-


I think for starters, in recent times, I think all of life's pressures just got to me. I didn't want to conform to society's norm. Society wants me to find a job, get married in my 20's and live this miserable mediocre life. My girl doesn't understand it, she just wants to be married, society has brainwashed her so bad, I pretty much give up explaining why I just couldn't get married yet. She's surrounded by it, her friends, relatives, everything, her environment just breeds this whole culture of family's living in shitty means but married young and living the sad blue collar life.

I lived a different life and the culture surrounding me coming up was a lot different. I was brought up around class. But due to my dad's death, living the classy life was gone. I haven't lived the classy life in a while, but I still have the desire to live that. If I got married young, my dreams to pursue that lifestyle will be crushed. And I think I'd divorce, or worse, fall deeper in my addiction.

I was not satisfied with my life for a while. I questioned every day, whether this path I have taken is the right one. It sucks when you want one thing, but no one else wants it. Is this the reason why entrepreneurs are single for so long before they reach success? No one to get in the way of their dreams?

Relationships are a lot of work, I do everything in my power to make my relationship work, but I always get that it's never enough. So I drink to numb it, because I would of just ran away otherwise. I got tired of the times when saying "I love you" just ain't enough. "I miss you" ain't enough. Or for a long while, we didn't agree on the ideas of marriage, or the fact that my girl just has to marry before she's old. Just wanted to say "fuck it all" and leave.

Now on to the family. For a long while, as much as I love my family, I just kept saying that one day, I'll leave and say "I have no family". Because of my sister's husband, shit has been upside down for us. I became a raging alcoholic, my mom became, and still is, addicted to the lottery. My sister is addicted to him. My brother...well he was probably the only sane one through this whole thing. Which is ironic because he is by the far the strangest, most introverted and easy-to-stress person I know.

My mom shouldn't have let them move back in. I saw it coming the first day and she just yelled at me and accused me of just being mad and complaining. Ha, I have the last laugh. He's been doing grimy shit since day one. My mom never thinks. It seems she never wants to think, she's not educated and has never tried hard enough to get educated. I have to help her spell things all the time. She can't really read well, but she think she knows everything. And sometimes I still think she's smarter than me, at life. Being that she's been around longer than me and has experienced a LOT more things than I have.

My sister's husband was splitting the family up. It was like he was bad luck. I truly believe he was bad luck only because my mom let him in. If she didn't let him in, our lives would have been better. He's an alright guy, he even said bye to me on his way out last night when he got kicked out. But I think he needs to grow up and stop bringing negativity and misfortune to others.

MY FAMILY WAS SO FUCKING CLOSE, PEOPLE DON'T GET HOW CLOSE WE ARE. WE HAVE BEEN HOMELESS TOGETHER AT ONE POINT. WE COPED WITH DEATH AT ONE POINT. I STILL LOVE MY FAMILY A TON AND FUCK ANYONE TRYING TO SPLIT US UP AND FUCK ANYONE WHO DOESN'T LIKE THE FACT THAT WE ARE CLOSE.


Now, my addiction is all me. My fault, my girl didn't force me to drink, my mom didn't force me to drink, no one did, I forced myself to drink. These things I said, is not placing blame on them for my drinking, just symptoms to my sickness. I drank to cope with the situations, I drank to numb the pain of just not being good enough for anybody. I was so used to not having anybody pressure me, or anybody stress me out. Hell, I was alone for 5, almost 6 years. No one to answer to, no one telling me what I should do, what they want, it was about me. It hasn't been about me for a long time. I feel cheated out of life right now. Why does no one care about my goals? My life? Alcohol was there, Alcohol seemed like it cared. But Alcohol betrayed me. 


But now I want my life back...scratch that, I'm ready to start my new life. No more drinking to cope with the pain, the depression, the stress. If someone stresses me out, well I will have to part ways with them. Leave for a while. If a situation stresses me out, I will just think more, analyse why I feel that way about the situation. 


I ain't perfect. Yeah I've done questionable things for lack of judgement, but I still have to hear about the error of my ways in some form or another. I tried to escape those things, but now I no longer will run away from any problems. Hell, the people that give me problems never run away from me, they run at me, so I will run at them. I have to care about myself again, I can no longer try to care about anyone else, when I'm getting the shit end of the stick. Me admitting I have a problem and kicking the addiction is me caring about me again. 


My business is me caring about me again. Well...nevermind. I started my business so I could help others, really. Yeah I like to make a lot of money, but making a ton of money isn't fun if you can't use it to help others out as well. I cannot achieve that being an alcoholic. 


I think after giving up the alcohol, I will become a more fun person again. I used to have a lot of fun, I don't anymore. I used to be around fun people, when's the last time I had a night that I could never forget? That was years ago. I mean atleast 6-7 years ago. The past few years, I have been trying to have fun under the sluggish haze of alcohol. I have tried to force fun, but it didn't work. 


I'm getting back in good shape again, I'm looking better each day now, but now I know after giving up the alcohol, I'm going to be looking even better quicker! I want my girl to get in shape with me too, I want us both looking good! We can't get married in the current shape we're in, we'll blow up and both me fat as shit, and unattractive. 


I'm ready for my new life, I already have the people I love around me, I'm not looking to make new friends, I'm not looking to drop anybody from my life to "start anew", because that's bullshit. I'm just ready to start Life 2.0 and upgrade my lifestyle and environment without sacrificing anyone I love. 


That is all.

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A Higher Level Pt.2 - Our Own Rules

-"...This Time, When I play this game, I'll be playing by my own rules"- 


I remember playing little games with all my friends and other neighborhood kids. We'd play tag, freeze tag, dance tag, hide and seek, hide in plain sight but in the dark, Tackle-loco (which is tag, but with a football but instead everyone but the ball carrier is it), and pretty much any type of variant of tag you could think of.


I remember whoever started the game, or rather, whoever's house we were at, was the unofficial captain of the damn game. This meant they could make up and/or revise the rules however they see fit. Which usually ended up in fights, because fuck your rules. Why do you get to have a say in whatever I do and however I play? Then, those of who get pissed up, would just go back to our own respective front yards and play our own games and play by our own rules.

And that's why, as of this morning after a pretty decent workout outside, I declare that I seriously play by my  own rules. I'm for real this time. Everything I do, will be done because I think and believe it is the right thing to do. I will do those things and make decisions based on how much will benefit my company and my team and future employees. My rules, I make them, I play by them and I will change them however I see fit. There will be no more, "hey what do you guys think of this?" or no more "hey, do you think this is a smart move?". I'm a smart person, who has always done his own due diligence and research, so I think I am smart enough to know whether it's good or not; or whether it's smart or not.

-Stress Is Like Allowing That Annoying Bratty Little Kid Affect You With His Little Childish Words-

Seriously, I've been letting that annoying little shit's words affect me for years now. What the hell, dude? After I  came to that realization while meditating in the woods in my backyard, it really woke up like a smack to the face. Like someone throwing searingly hot coffee on my crotch. I really smartened up on the spot. I amazed myself, really.

Even in life, I am going to commit to playing by my own rules. I'm not going to let anybody make my decisions for me, and I certainly won't let anyone pester me into going their way. For one, when I get up in the morning, I will tell myself I will play by my own rules today and everyday after it. It's like a drug addict in the 12 steps program, every day they quit today. There really is no I quit a week ago and I'm still going good. No, it's more like I quit a week ago, I quit yesterday, I quit today and I will quit tomorrow and day after that and so on and so forth. I will be like that, every day I will start to play my own rules.


-If You Have To Ask, Then We Aren't For You-

Okay, so I've been working on my clothing company's new image, new brand, and new mission statement. I finally came to terms with it all. I won't lie, though I am seriously excited about the new image and re-launch,  I was little nervous about it, because I know I will have to answer questions and always put forward what we are about. But now I'm not anymore, I'm ready.

I know a lot up and coming brands are trying to push this exclusivity thing based on their limited quantities, which is cool, but I will be going about it a different way. A different method. Sure, we will have limited quantities, which is just smart for us at the moment due to our budgeting and overhead costs, but I won't really mention that. It's mainy because, one day, I do want to wholesale my products to different retailers, though only selected retailers,  but nonetheless I do want to wholesale. But really what I will do is be of a sort of snobby variety, like if you have to ask what this means, then we aren't for you or If you have to ask how much or why our products cost more than other brands, then we aren't for you . And that's not pretentious, because I sure as hell ain't pretendin'. I'm really serious about it, and due to past experiences of trying to please everyone, I know for sure I will 100% real behind it. I'm not going to claim I"m super exclusive, or that we're better than others. What I am claiming is we have our own culture, our own image, our own following so if you're with it, get the fuck out our way. It's like a Lamborghini dealer, if you walk up in there, asking how much the Aventador or Murcielago is, or that you're not into exotics you just wanted to know what it's all about, then you will promptly asked to leave. That's us, that's who we are, we're about luxury, success and simplicity so if you're not about that, then please get the fuck out of our store and get off of our website.

If You Have To Ask, Then Sorry, We Aren't For You.

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The Sweetest Revenge x Random Thoughts Mini-episode 1 1½

-The Sweetest Revenge- 


...is going about my business not attempting to get revenge at all. It sounds like a weird catch-22 type of thing, but hear me out, I'm getting the sweetest revenge by not trying to get revenge. It bothers those who have done you wrong when you display the fact that you're not bothered by it at all. It irks them when you're just going about your existence without trying to get revenge. Here they are, losing sleep, paranoid, keeping one eye open, scared shitless that you're going to try to get revenge on them. But when it shows that you clearly aren't trying to, they've realized that they've wasted a few extra heartbeats and flutters, they're wasted a lot of sweat because of their nervousness, and they lost a bit of their mind due to lack of sleep. I cracked myself up with that one, definitely going to write that down in a notepad and use it whenever I have meetings with future clients.

Anyway, I've been silently building my brand and company and have been marketing in a way that the certain people I don't want to see it, won't see it. I mean, they won't see it until this shit blows up. Real bosses move in silence.

-Random Thoughts mini-episode 1 1/2-

So it was AMAZING seeing that an owner of a very big streetwear brand liked my crewneck sweater design. I felt like jumping through the roof!

It makes no sense that i let the most littlest things stress me out so much.

This vacation I'm about to take should help me release the little negative energy I have left in my soul. It should help me rejuvenate.

I find myself wishing I was married already, because it seems like society bends over backwards for married couples.

I find myself distancing away from those who I view of "trashy" and just really ghetto-ish. I used to love that, but not anymore.

I ran the numbers on how much inventory I'm going to be producing, I think it looks pretty good and I think it will keep my costs down for sure.

I feel really good and excited about the fact that clothing company finally has an image and direction. It's unfortunate it took me almost two years to figure it out.

I need to get my sleep schedule back on track.

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I Like Being Under Appreciated

-I Like Being Under Appreciated-
Seriously, no sarcasm involved!  I enjoy when people expect me to always be there and I enjoy when they always assume I'm doing to do whatever they request or desire. Because it enables to disappoint them greatly. When you always assume and expect me to be your little personal whatever, I will go out of my way to show you how you're taking me for granted. I'm like that drug dealer, who sells to his addicts at low low prices for a period time, then when they're hooked on that good shit, he jacks up the price. What're the addicts going to do? Find a new dealer? You kidding me? Finding a new dealer is even harder, it's like trying to find a new girlfriend/boyfriend. You have to feel them out, you have to figure out whether the new dealer is a cop or not, all of that stuff that comes with. So the dealer let's the addicts know: I know you're used to me selling you at low prices, I know you expected me to always sell to you at low prices, so I jacked up the price to give a wake up call, ya junkie. 



That's how it is in my line of work. I was working for different folks, designing for them for an awesome deal, then when they expected and assumed I was their little personal army, I gave them a wake up call. 


I don't play that game. I'm not someone's bitch boy, and I won't settle for nothing less than what I think I am worth. Which is, I am worth business. When you didn't want people to know that I designed those pieces, when you wanted to take all the credit, when you pretty much told me to stay behind the scenes so that you can take all of the shine, well, I had to be that nice warm cup of Foldgers. 


You see, I can't get any business when people don't even know who fuck I am. That's what irked me the most. I can't get any new customers or a customer base when people don't even who I am and what I do. If someone says "man I love that shirt, I'm thinking of starting my own line, who did your work? Can I contact him?" You're supposed to say "Yeah man, I appreciate that, yeah I got a dude who also owns a line of his own and he does some design work for me, here's his phone number/email, hit em up". No, you want to be on some I did it all myself or something like, I have an artist that does all my stuff, and don't give any info on who the artist is. Ghetto, trifling mindset, I tell you.


I don't feel entitled to anything...hold up, I DO FELL ENTITLED TO THINGS, because why? I PUT IN WORK! I don't just sit around complaining, I suck it up and do work! That's what I do.

But when you're expecting or assuming that I do something for you, I atleast feel entitled to some sort of monetary compensation or a shout out or credit or something. What the hell you think I got in business for?

I don't do this for my health, I'll tell you that much

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